The Unexpected Thing That Happened After I Left My Marriage
I could always see my future. Until I couldn't. On dreaming again after divorce.
This unexpected thing happened to me after I left my marriage. I spent years cultivating a life and a future with someone I love deeply. But the divorce didn't just end my relationship — it stole my ability to picture any future at all.
What I wanted for my career, my future home, the trips I wanted to take, places I wanted to go, the life I wanted to build was based in combination with another person. And now with that other person gone I suddenly had no idea what the future was supposed to look like.
One thing you have to know about me is that I am very visionary person. I need to see it, feel it, envision it to work toward it. Every year for my company reward trips I would spend hours looking at the fancy hotel websites thinking about being there. I love a vision board. I write down inspiring quotes for myself every where and even have one tattooed on my middle finger (a few little sparkles that are my reminder when the haters get me down that F you, I am magic).
But when suddenly my future isn’t going to be the thing I’d visualized for so long, it felt like the rug had been swept out from under me.
What was mine to claim and what was the former us?
During the split I had to start all over again. I had left corporate to pursue a blog that never took off. I had to find a job to support me with health insurance and benefits. I had to figure out how I was going to pay the mortgage by myself and make sure the bills were transferred to my name. I took down pictures of a life I had lived before. I had a home full of empty frames. My friendships and relationships with people in my life either no longer existed or completely changed (more on friendships through divorce here).
What did my routine look like day to day?And how do you even create a routine when you are crying at the drop of a hat every single day?
I was learning how to function again in an entirely new life.I was just trying to keep my head above water in survival mode barely knowing what the end of the day let alone the end of the week looked like.
There was no future. There was just the immediacy of now that had to be tackled to survive.
And now I am over a year and a half out from that restart and I am ready to start dreaming again and yet - I can’t. For whatever reason I am blocked. I am loving the now that I am living in and my routine but can’t seem to find the future.
I dont know if it is a protective thing my brain is doing for me to keep me from crying again. I am not sure if it is because my new partner keeps me incredibly present and grounded.
So we are starting here. Together we are going to find my future again.
Slowly I am able to see what my future looks like. What I am building on my own and with someone new.
I have new friendships and old ones that have stood by me helping me securely land back into myself. I have a home I am making feel more and more like me. In fact it feels more like me than ever before. We havent even touched on my body/weight loss journey and having a build a new wardrobe yet either (though that’s still a work in progress). I am figuring out what I want to do with my life.
I am healing from the scars and I want to take you with me.
So if you’re new here, welcome. If you’re healing too I hope you find this to be a safe space that makes you feel a little less alone or less crazy.
If you’ve been here I am so glad you’re still here. I hope this is helpful for you too.
I am rebuilding my life, my confidence, my circle, my home, and my wardrobe. Piece by piece. Day by day. Trying to not get too far ahead of myself but still planning enough for the future I am starting to be able to dream about again.